Often, I see the body o Christ put so much into pursuing God or healing. With great boldness and passion and persistence, we cry out to God, begging for physical healing. And in these prayers, there is often a tiny P.S. added at the end where we say, "If it be your will."

 

But shouldn't we switch that around?

 

Shouldn't we cry out to God wit boldness and passion and persistence in a prayer that says, "God, would you please accomplish your will? Would you give me a willing heart to embrace your plan and your purpose? Would you mold me into a vessel that you can use to accomplish what you have in mind?" and then, perhaps, we could ass a tiny P.S. that says, "If that includes healing, we will be grateful."

 

- Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie

Falling down, being still, then moving forward.

First off to update you, I lost another baby. I was 22 weeks pregnant when we discovered that our daughter, Claire Lillian, had passed away. We had family around when I gave birth and everyone present was able meet and spend time with her.

 I did not, by any means, have a simple pregnancy. I was put on 40ml of lovenox once a day with a baby aspirin even before I was pregnant. I was on that for a majority of my pregnancy. A few weeks into my second trimester I met with a neonatal specialist. He increased my dose to 100ml once a day and put me in contact with a hematologist who is a expert in APS. I called and was able to schedule a appointment for a few weeks later.

During this time, I got sick. Very sick. I couldn't keep any food or water down. I had terrible pain in my stomach and back and had to go to the emergency room twice for fluids and morphine to handle the pain. They did blood tests and my liver enzymes were dangerously high. They also tested my gallbladder which came back fine.

When Tony and I went in for my hematologist appointment, I had JUST started to recover. My hematologist told me that my dose was too low and that I needed to double my dose to two shots of 100ml.

We had a follow up appointment with my neonatal doctor immediately after the hematologist. During the ultrasound they discovered that Claire was not developing. She was 3 to 4 weeks behind. Our doctor told us that there is a slim chance she will bounce back, so we needed to prepare ourselves. When we came back two weeks later, she had died.

After dealing with the chain of events that comes with giving birth to a stillborn, I started to revisit my doctors. My obgyn stated that they found blood clots in the placenta. He said that although APS had a role in what happened, we can't ignore how sick I got.

My next appointment was with the hematologist. She stated that I was no where near the dose that I needed to be on of Lovonox. That, in her mind, it is a clear fix. I needed more medicine. The interesting factor is that apparently my APS only acts up when I am pregnant. This means that I only need to take baby aspirin on a daily basis, no warfarin.

We then visited my neonatal doctor. This was the appointment I was the most nervous about. The rest of the my doctors said that he will determine my risk and probability, and if it would be wise to try again. Tony and I had been praying like crazy for clear direction. When we sat down with him he was very clear and to the point - we should try again. He said that it was definitely worth trying again and that there were so many contributing factors that could be addressed. On top of having a increased dose of Lovonox (200ml and a baby aspirin), I would need to be very "low key" during  pregnancy and it would be wise to wait close to a year to try again, for emotional and physical reasons. These doctors are some of the top in their fields, and I trust their wisdom and insight. But, what looks like a clear and simple course of action on paper, means life changing decisions and preparations for Tony and me.

That was in February. Since then, Tony and I have tried to use every moment in this season of recovery to get healthy and safeguarded- our marriage, our finances, and physically. For me, this means taking care of things that, since I was pregnant, went on the back burner. One of these was going to the chiropractor. After Samuel I had started to have lower back issues, and with Claire, they only got worse. A friend of mine's father is a chiropractor, so I met with him and have been receiving treatment. One of this interesting things that was discovered was that I had a shifted 3rd lumbar, which is connected to the reproduction organs. This has been linked to issues with miscarriages. It is another piece of the puzzle, and having this fixed might help in having the Lovenox work better and potentially a smoother pregnancy.

We have our follow-up (potential pre-conception) appointment with both our neonatal and hematologist in a few weeks. Feels so surreal how quickly time is passing.

So here I am again, at the bottom of another mountain, looking back at the area I just climbed and realizing that it was just climbing the base of Everest. We know there is a clear path to the top, but we still need the stamina and faith to climb it. Our prayer is that, however God decides to lead, He may receive all the glory.