We have been in Tulsa for 2 months now and my schedule has been packed with doctor appointments and labs. My Hematologist referred me to a Rheumatologist who specializes in APS, who was booked until August. Thankfully there was a cancellation and I was able to go in. She did physical examination (looking for rashes and any other abnormalities-which sometimes come with APS) and ordered blood tests. The labs she ordered would take a deeper look into what antibodies are in my system and see if I have any other autoimmune disorders such as Lupus. After about a week I got my test results back and they were all negative! Praise the Lord!
After visiting the Rheumatologist, I still had to wait a week till my OBGYN appointment. Since I am taking coumadin I need to have my INR (which is a blood clotting test) tested regularly. I have been on this drug since November which means I have had to get labs done now for 7 months. Coumadin is not safe to take if you are planning on getting pregnant since it crosses into the placenta and could cause birth defects. Our appointment with the OBGYN will determine what course of action needs to be taken to get me to a physical place where we can start trying to conceive.
Tony took a half day off and we went to the OBYGN appointment. I felt so anxious that I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. We sat in the exam room and our Doctor called us into his office. He stated that after looking at all my tests and history my APS is brought on by hormone changes. This means that I should only need to be on treatment when I am pregnant. Which also means no more coumadin, no need to take unnecessary shots, and that I have a 90% of having a healthy baby with no complications. He said that I will need to take shots of Lovenox when I am pregnant, but instead of the 2 shots of 90ml each a day, he said I will only need 1 shot of 40ml with a baby aspirin This makes a HUGE difference. It means different sized needles and less medicine which means less pain.
On top of this- (which I was already a weepy mess)- he told me that although I have APS, a million things could have caused Samuel's death. He said that since I went into labor so early in the pregnancy, there was nothing that he could have done. Translation: this is not my fault. He said nothing I did caused it and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
This is when he handed me the tissues.
The past 7 months I have been so attacked by the thought that my first child was doomed to die. That I was a walking time bomb that needed to be fixed. I have carried such guilt over this- especially for Tony, guaranteed to lose his first son. I thought about all of my mistakes that I made- that maybe I had done something to cause this by being reckless with my body. I had the most terrible comments made to me- saying this was my "penance", saying that God only blesses the righteous with children; all things that I knew were complete garbage, but still hit me where it hurts. My doctors never had told me what caused this, they only strongly alluded to the fact that people with APS usually have miscarriages. This was the first time a doctor, someone not connected to me, told me it wasn't my fault. That was so freeing.
My sister Rebekah sent me Proverbs 12:25 after I told her about my appointment...
"Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down,
but a good word makes him glad."
I did find it interesting that they wanted me to fast before the tests, which last time the panel was taken I did not. They scheduled the earliest appointment possible and I went in to get my blood drained...
